Let it be known to all the men of the KAG Tour, that today, this 23rd day of March, was the first official Fetter “Fetter” (also known in local circles as “Fettering”, “Fettered it”) of the 2013 golf season. For those unfamiliar with the term it derives its origin from the once single-digit handicap (weren’t those the days when he was comparing his game to the single digits on tour), locally renown barfly, freedom-loving fun guy, the one and only Brian Fetter. His alarming tendency to be uberly excited for weekend golf and then to magically not appear on those weekend mornings following an evening of unshackled boozing is as consistent as his admiration for online porn.
While the historians of the KAG Tour can’t pinpoint the exact date of the first “Fetter”, it is widely known that this has happened on multiple occasions throughout the duration of his membership on this proud amateur golf tour. Further, while I can’t take full credit for the term (hat tip to Jake and our legendary car trip to the Weekend Warrior Tournament 2012), it’s widely recognized that my fiduciary duty (mainly to be a dick) to the KAG Tour requires me to bring this moment in “Fettering” to your attention for the proper ridicule it deserves. In fairness to Fetter (not the term), this wasn’t a “Full Fetter” which to KAG Tour regulars know as when Fetter misses a sanctioned KAG Tour event (see SW Prestige 2012…it happened folks). Former KAG Tour member, Joe Nett, once pulled the “Reverse Fetter” which is when you get hammered the night before a tournament, wake up in the middle of the night to send an email stating “I’m out”, only to then shake yourself out of your self-induced coma to make it to the event and then subsequently withdraw after 12 holes. In my book, Joe Nett is a legend and his presence is greatly missed by the tour. Come back home soon Joe.
We did somewhat waffle on whether or not to play this morning, but we made a deal last night before his fifth shot of liquor (it was about 6:30ish) that we would play if the weather was above 35 degrees. It was 40 when I woke up and I made it out there only to be left once again at the altar. I made the best out of it by walking nine holes with myself and my thoughts. For those that know me, you know it’s not really a good idea for me to be alone in my thoughts for an extended period of time because it gives me the opportunity to concoct emails such as these. Let that be a lesson to you all next time you leave me stranded on the golf course.
In closing, I can’t thank Fetter enough for the simple joy that he brings to the Tour. It really is the little things in life that make a difference. Without you, most of us would think we have life issues and substance abuse problems.; but you somehow make us feel like upstanding citizens. As always, I look forward to another enjoyable season on the KAG Tour.
